Middle Age Limbo

I am being very judgmental here, but some people just bring out the worst in me. As I do too with some, I know. 

Internet was a marvelous introduction into my life, I was blown away by the way you could communicate with people all over the world. Just imagine, you type on a screen and some living person at the other end, in another corner of the world, a living breathing human being responds! For someone like me who shied away from intense social situations this came as a boon, it felt like I had sprouted wings. I have been kept under lock and key, my childhood and teenage years were an endless parade of chaperoning, I am not complaining about that, maybe only a teeny bit, I perfectly understand the sentiment behind all that though I do not buy it. 

Anyway, that’s an entirely different thing altogether, we are focusing on certain well… special personalities that one encounters online and my internet dalliance is by way of an introduction. 

 The very first person I spoke to was called ‘doodle’, that was his/her screen name. I do think it was a guy, I chatted with him for about 5 glorious minutes in a small café in Bangalore. I was with my boyfriend who did not approve of all these, because he was above such frivolities at that point of time, so though I had no romantic intentions whatsoever with doodle, no sort of interaction was permitted. I was adjusting and compromising at the time, so I swallowed it and suffered. Then I got to know someone called com_raine, more about him in another entry and there are also lovely people like Nish whom I have met through the net, but that is not what I am writing about now. 

Through trial and error I have found that the kind of people I am able to relate to more are older men, men who are about 15 years older than I am, at least. (Daddy issues.) They have seen the world a bit more, and my thoughts are ‘old’, they understand those better than people my age do. I am the least bit romantically inclined towards them, however men being men always assume that any woman who communicates with them or attempts to do so is a cunt and is to be fucked. Not that you can fuck online, anyway, the point is that any sort of intellectual or emotional connection is always gently nudged into the romantic territory. I have obliged too, coz first of all, there is no harm done, some old wanker wanking away in some remote corner of the world does not interest me, that he thinks of some woman who has been able to have a conversation with him as something to be wanked over just goes on to prove that he is completely pathetic. And at some level all of us are pathetic without exception. So patheticity[sic] does not put me off, I am a very forgiving person. 

What I cannot stand though, is pretension, without substance. Fucking 50 year old retards read philosophy for the first time in their adult life and discover that it’s actually a little better than pornography. And they can’t help but marvel at the beauty of it all. And they can’t stop talking about it and letting others (women) know that they read ‘big books’ now. So they throw big words around, throw the title around and suck it up like gospel. And their arguments will be peppered with quotes and original concepts that they have picked up from the said book. Half a century old rusting brain cells which were not used for anything but pleasuring the little head are electrified at the thought of philosophy that makes some sense out of all the madness. And for them to open their minds to accept these fresh air thoughts, they have to come from a heavy hardbound tome with an obscure title. 

I know this wanker who would mention the fact that he was reading On the Genealogy of Morals about a dozen times in a conversation. Who the fuck cares, loser. Reading it at 40 years of age for the first time and fucking having the nerve to be pretentious about it! One cant help but laugh and die laughing, huh!

Just The Once

I have never won an argument with him. He’s always busting on me, I’m perfect game. I love the sparring and teasing, and he has the knack of driving me to the very edge. At the crucial moment, if I’m about to win, he breaks into this slang and typical way of talking that throws me off. Except once.

He’s being cocky, and busting on me. As usual. We are friends.

“Look at those eyebrows. Why do they look like boomerangs, man?”

“Why do you ask? Do they keep coming back to you?”

Silence…

Hallelujah!

Marcus O! Marcus :) Hehe

Now, as I write, the many facets of Marcus’ character shape the flow of my hesitant thoughts. He who was my well wisher, friend, my infidel husband and then my most faithful soul mate. Was it a natural progression on the part of Marcus? Or was it that I had let him astray, that as a wife I did not provide him with the comforts of the home and hearth, and that had transformed Marcus from the incarnation of love that he was, to a betrayer. Indeed, I must hasten to admit that Marcus, save for his one philandering escapade was faithful. And if ever a marriage was so blest with tender and honest concern for the other, it was ours. That is the reason I bid him adieu with his newfound lover, many years ago, after I found them gazing into each others eyes and clasping hands. If Marcus found love better and more fulfilling than what my timid self could offer, I was only happy for him to savour it, I’m sure Marcus would have done the same for me. I let him go and he came back to me. It was then that I rained blows against his broad chest and his tears drenched my hair.

These memories come to me in disparate blotches, I must collect my thoughts and tell you about the wonder that Marcus was. I must pull myself together, else I fear I shall be doing great injustice to his sacred memories.

One aspect of Marcus on which my memory does not fail is the person of him. He was a tall man, muscular shoulders and arms that rippled underneath the fabric of his shirt as he moved them about. I fear I might not be quite capable of portraying his leonine nature, the quiet assurance about him, or the fluidity of his movements. He moved with the elegance of a cheetah on the prowl. A face chiselled by God’s own hands and of His finest marble. He was a vision that lifted the gloomiest of spirits, his flower-like irises specked with green flecks were absinthe. Of perfect symmetry and proportion, his forehead was of a King, broad and unlined, rising in the gentlest of curves just above the eyebrows, and the brows themselves lush but not crowded, well defined with not one stray hair marring their perfect lines, they were like the neatly trimmed hedges of palace gardens and I would tell him the same, he would arch one perfect brow at that and laugh at the childishness of such a simile.

Fuck Off

There are a few images or symbols that speak to me of a deep rooted sort of disgust. A kind of disgust that a child who was molested or a woman who was raped would feel. The image that I associate with it is generic, in the sense a certain aspect of some of the very commonly recurring patterns or themes in nature causes this nausea to rise in me.

Numerous spherical objects grouped together; static is bad enough, but if they form a moving, writhing mass I go through hell. During my very very very low moments I have been bombarded with images of innumerable spherical disgusting objects under my skin and them bursting out. I could almost drown in my own puke now.

The reason I am saying this now is because, this, you miserable piece of shit, is exactly how I feel when I think of the subhuman scum that you are, and that I was cursed enough to witness your perverseness. Associating it with child molestation is right, because when you were 18, I must have been just two years old. Maybe you did whip that rotting piece of meat in your hand and jack off in front of young children too. I wouldn't put that past you, you mongrel scum, you who could spew spiteful curses on a mere child, you are capable of anything.

Rot in hell!

Epiphany

I don't push people. I just pull them. Towards me.

Yeehaaaah! :)

Wish

Oh to be born the native of a free country!

Hopeless

The apocalypse next will be of evolution of a great mass of human beings into a higher level of consciousness. And that will destroy the society as we see it now.

Society will disintegrate and individual will prevail.
Yet will the sense of emptiness and vacuum disappear? I guess not. They shall be our constant companions - in the midst of a crazy mob or in solitude.

Oog

Oog swung the stone club above his head in a neat arc. He liked the feel of it. The thought that he could clonk dangerous and edible beasts with it brought him great comfort. A splosh of glimmery wet smug fog enveloped him as he studied the smoothness of the heavy oblong of rock that he had lovingly crafted.

Oog was a handsome man. His chest, arms and back were covered with thick, black hair. Out from beneath bushy eyebrows peeped glazed eyes. Oog was a thinking man and that was what made his eyes glazed. He thought. He pondered. He meditated. At times his cogitation was so intense that he even forgot what he was thinking about. Oog was absent minded. Just as all great men are, as we know.

A spark of the forest fire that Oog had kept safe inside a hollow mud ball shone like a red flower. Red Flower – a series of strange syllables echoed against the spacious inner walls of Oog’s egg-shaped head – 'Rudyard Kipling'. He did not understand the meaning of the words that he thought. But then Oog did not understand many things that he thought about.

Reality

Fish fly in the Ocean
Birds swim in the Air

The Blind are the ones who see
this and other such truths

Words

Sometimes I have the urge to use a word just for the beauty of it.

Like ‘incessant’. Said that word out aloud several times and was quite taken by the feel of it on my tongue. Inncessssant. Hmmm. Liked the subtle nuances of its meaning – incessant touch bruising, incessant love cloying, incessant lure story of my life. All unnecessary, yet quite charming. Used it once, took it off because quite unnecessary.

Some words have not yet been used. Like absinthe. Guard it preciously. Jade velvet covered viscous word emitting dull green glow. Very precious word which I say out aloud. Also fact that its liquer. Forbidden. In the mind absinthe tends to poison. Poison. Careful.

Hubris. For obvious reasons. The image is of an Egyptian canine face. Anubis.

Tenebrae. Darkness. Grief. Self.

Lament. Inconsolable. Unadulterated beauty. In pain lies love, lies beauty.

Rant

Of the seven deadly sins, PRIDE is the one that is my very own. I’ve been told that it’s the root of all others. And I shall always wear this sin on my sleeve.

So, when pride takes a blow, it’s numbing and paralyzing. I find myself unable to move on. Yet, this pride is an animal inside me, all beaten and broken but still alive, still struggling to keep its spine ramrod straight. It is so easy to break me – I am not the wise grass that bends with the wind and bows to its awesome power. And I am broken. Crushed by the tremendous burden of this shame, my foolishness, my disgusting naiveté.

I must confess I am completely amoral. Yet I am shackled by a moral code that is more stringent than anything the society can devise.

Among other things, I believe that wanting to yield to carnal temptations is the most natural thing in the world – even when one is in a monogamous relationship. Forced monogamy, as practised by the society at large, by making divorce difficult and such assorted things, is absolute bull crap though it’s easy to see why it is necessary for the collective. On the other hand, I also believe that out of this utter nonsense that has been practised for ages there evolves something sublime and almost poetic, ridiculously so. And that is the genuine desire to give oneself completely to one person alone. No forcing, no contracts, no ratification by law, no bullshit.

Like I said, monogamy is unnatural and difficult. Has to be. Otherwise there’s no reason for all these sex hormones and oh-so-strong urges to procreate. Therefore, monogamy is the most beautiful gift one can give to a person one truly cares about. Complete, utter, blind trust, honesty, faithfulness. It is possible. It is possible.

Now, when some unlucky idjits like me do that, it inevitably backfires. Sub-humans who have not yet evolved to the level of understanding the concept do not deserve to be honoured so.

My muse has been envied. Rightly so. I would kill, steal, sell my soul for him. I would have. I was demanded that I blindly trust. I did. The more fool me.

My honest verses laugh at me. Each word, each syllable is shrill, mocking and unending. Like a pack of hyenas. I wear my shame and crouch in the corner.

I must bear this cross alone. I must lay down alone on the bathroom floor, moaning with silent pain. I can talk to no one, I must pretend normalcy when my heart threatens to stop.

The only way out of grief is through it. It’s a hell of a long walk.

Betrayal

So this is what betrayal feels like. Always thought it would gurgle up bitter, sour tastes in the throat. But it’s tasteless.

Delayed shock…

Is the only explanation. Because I loved you. A desperate, needy love. Though I was careful not to show it.

Shame

An inordinate amount of shame. Embarrassment. Like I’m naked in public, and I’m fat. Skin marred with deep pockmarks. The crowd boos. Shame. I feel ashamed.

Self Flagellation

I never learn. Never. Never. Never. I deserve this. What goes around comes back around. For all my analysis and semi intellectual rants I still walk straight into The Trap. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. I hate dumb women. I’m one of them.

Worthless

I am a used tissue. Throw me away. My body is desert. The oasis is bloody. You will die of thirst. Do you drink blood?

Irony

Only yesterday, I rode the high waves of ecstasy. I needed just one whiff of his thought to get me so fucking high. Now, I am the undead. What happens when a 50 feet fall does not kill you? Look at me.

Fear

Of the truth. Of love. That I still love you. And that I always will.

Disgust

I want to puke. The thought of you cheating on me makes me want to throw up. My insides are in knots.

Hysteria

That I dreamt of carrying your child. Our child. Me. The bitch. The heartless lunatic who is all for population control.

Helpless

Inertia. My mouth is sewn shut. I can’t speak. This non-pain will tear me apart. I foresee it happening. I’m paralysed.

Lament

My love my love my love my love my love

Why have you forsaken me?

My verses have died premature. I wanted to write so much for you.

Record

This feeling. Because I will forget. I will not cry because I have no tears. The wound will close by my will alone. Because I am the strongest there is.

But I must remember this is how I felt. Feel? Do I? Not one drop of tear. Not one drop. I used to cry buckets, at the drop of a hat.

Pity me. For I hate pity.

Surprise

It was true love. Great love. Love really doesn’t matter, does it? I thought love could move mountains. I was wrong. Only I loved.

I don’t understand you. That hurts. Or maybe what hurts is that I do understand you. I see you for what you truly are. My wishful thinking has not made you a King. The sceptre and crown are to be deserved.

I am Queen. I am too good for you.

Begone, you bastard.

By the Sea (2)

It’s dark and the beach is deserted except for the few drunk ones wandering over from the shack. It isn’t Goa, and nothing exciting ever happens here. I sit with him just beneath the footpath, legs stretched out in front of me, leaning back against the cement blocks. He talks to me, of several things, I listen only to the deep hum of his voice and watch the brown of his eyes.

Suddenly, two very drunk white women run out to the beach, kicking the sand across us and proceed to divest themselves off their bikini tops. My eyes pop out and my head is suddenly clear of the fog caused by the small cocktail sips I've had. I’ve never seen live naked women before I let my uncivilized self take over. I ogle and gesture to him whispering hoarsely, “Ohmigod, look they’re taking their clothes off”. And he just keeps looking at me. Not a flicker of curiosity in his eyes, he just keeps looking at my face. He continues long after they’ve left, and the rest of the evening I am silent.

He loves me enough to miss the freak show of the year.

For whatever reason.

I am loved.

Doleful Mole

“You have a mole right on your earlobe”

“I know”

“How’s that?”

“I’ve been told”, I say.

“Hmmm”, he says.

I love the way he gets jealous at the thought of someone even looking at my earlobe closely enough to notice a mole. How cute, I think.

“And you have one right on your d***, you know”, I tell him.

“Yeah, I know”, lazy drawl.

“How’s that?”

He cocks an eye at me, ready to sprint, “I’ve been told”.

I scream bloody murder.

Baby Makers

Women are baby makers. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t know how many times this message has been driven home mostly by the sacred institution called family, nurtured and protected in turn by those wolves in sheep’s clothing - guardians of religion and morality and society and herd mentality.

It is extremely perplexing that human beings who actually have a fucking brain and who can actually use the grey cells to reason out things and understand and exult in that knowledge, are seemingly content to just remain fucking morons and feel righteous and holy about their ignorance. There is no point being upset about something I can do nothing about, but I can’t help it.

There was a movie on Z Studio called ‘Absolute Strangers’. A pregnant woman who is comatose has a better chance of recovery if the pregnancy is terminated. However, the pro-lifers appeal to the court for guardianship of the foetus and that of the comatose woman, all for the cause of saving ‘two lives’.

Doesn’t this make sense? What really is the purpose of existence of a woman? What is it that gives her the most joy, better than a 100 orgasms? A woman’s sole reason-to-be is to give birth to a child, to propagate the human race, she has to subjugate herself to the greater good of humanity and attain nirvana.

Men, as in the male species, advocating such subjugation of a woman can at least be understood in the light of them having their own personal axes to grind. But what about the women! So many, so many, so fucking many are so bloody happy to just take it and take it and even genuinely feel happy about this horrible state of affairs. The first one in the family to protest a young girl’s assertion of independence is the mother. The very same mother who must have been subjected to emotional castration as a child, who later on evidently developed a sense of loyalty to the tormentors who caused such blissful humiliation in her. She learns to associate humiliation with happiness.

All these fights for ‘Equal Rights’, EQUAL rights? What the fuck! It is not as if no one knows the answer. Everyone does. Everyone. And that’s why women are still kept under lock and key by the most powerful lobby in this world – family. And it is extremely difficult to get out of the clutches of Love. It is all such a well-knit and well-orchestrated fucking drama that goes on, especially among the mediocre middle class who have absolutely no sense of individuality, so they can neither stand for themselves nor can they blend safely into the anonymity of the masses above or below.

Financial independence will never become a reality for most women. Because they themselves don’t care. They are happy to be fussed over and pampered, they will be dogs. And have you any idea of the positive strokes that young girls receive from well meaning family members for always speaking of sacrificing self interest for others?

So many women I personally know, in the prime of their youth, when nothing but sex and comfort interest them, get married and promptly give birth to a couple of children. They stay at home to raise them. Bloat up. By the time they reach their thirties, they realize that youth is fading, nobody wants them. People who used to be scintillated earlier by their dynamism are now either tut-tutting or are seemingly unaffected by the fact that they have sacrificed their one shot to rising to their potential because let’s face it, they are women and the primary responsibility of a woman is to raise children and live for the family, cook and clean for them and wash the husband’s underwear and serve him food. And the family continues to lavish praises on her.

See, I have been told that I’ve become corrupt because the person I married ‘gave me too much freedom’. Note the choice of words, I was ‘given’ freedom. I did not deserve this much freedom, but I was granted that privilege denied to many and now I am misusing it. What a shame! I’ve also been advised by people who deeply care about me to stop working, to stop thinking of travelling alone, to start some small business at home to kill time and be a sweet, gentle woman. Oh how cute.

But I am sweet and I am gentle. And so are other women. I do not demand independence and freedom. I am. I have witnessed the transformation of so many free-willed women into doormats, and those who have sensible human beings for husbands, who understand these things, are eternally grateful for having been granted the freedom. As long as women remain grateful for whatever freedom they enjoy nothing will change. I am sure a lot of Indians were happy and content when the British ruled India. There was joy and governance not any worse than the current situation. Then why did some people feel that they are not free? Why did we not let them continue?

Because (pardon my Hindi) Sar kata sakte hain par chukka sakte nahin? And why the fuck is that applicable only to men? I like and respect men, I am no reverse chauvinist. But why the fuck can’t women understand? I am not talking about the poor uneducated women who are beaten up and who have no choice. I am talking about well educated women whose choice is to be content answering to ‘Serve me food, darling’. Shame!

Nuts about Fruits

Not really.

I mean, I am not that nutty about fruits. Or maybe. About some.

As a child I had the rare privilege of sampling exotic species of fruits. And straight from the trees, that too. Branches heavy-laden with fruits so ripe that the slightest breeze was enough to shake them free and deposit on the ground. Mornings were mostly reserved for scouring the courtyard for guavas and rose-apples. Those that bore tooth-marks of bats and other assorted nocturnal creatures were forbidden, but I’ve had those too anyway.

I had two tiny aunts, who were only about 9 and 12 years older than me, stay over at my place quite frequently. I used to envy their skill in climbing trees, especially that of the younger one. She used to lithely drape her long limbs around the tree and almost float up along trunk. She’d pluck those half-ripe guavas and drop me some, for I’d be patiently waiting beneath the tree, salivating and envying her blasted good luck to be able to gnaw at the crunchy green skin and spit out half chewed bits in a neat shower.

I’ve had my revenge too, by the time my kid brother was of the age when he tottered around the courtyard, waiting beneath trees for benevolent gifts of guavas, I was an expert tree climber. I’ve skinned my knees and half cracked my skull because I’ve fallen from almost all the big trees. I’ve known the sting of quite a few varieties of ants. I’ve observed in close quarters the symbiotic relationship between the white fungi on trees and the ant colony that raises them.

There are mainly two varieties of guava. Red and white. Red is lip-smacking good and very sweet. White is crunchy and they grow big. The trees don’t grow beyond a certain size. They are very climbable without being intimidating. One of the trees that used to be my favourite had twin branches extending to either side from the main trunk, so the tree was shaped like a catapult. A fine seating place. The higher one went up the tree the better it was, because the branches caught even the slightest wind and swayed like mad dancers. It was exhilarating to be at the mercy of the wind, all the while trusting reed thin branches to carry one’s weight.

I started young.

Subjective Opinion

I don't like Paulo Coelho. There. I said it. I liked 'Zahir' and that's about it. Extreme spirituality gives me indigestion. Besides, I don't like the whiny prose either.

Kundera is better. Only slightly. He's more objective about the whining.

I like Shashti Brata. Especially 'Confessions of an Indian Woman Eater'. Also, 'My God Died Young'. I like the irreverence.

I read Rebecca (Finally!). I didn't like the story, or the too-detailed prose.

I still like Poe. I don't like Ayn Rand. But I liked 'Anthem'.

I like Jeanette Winterson.

I don't like obscure prose merely because it's obscure.

I want to read good fiction.

Any suggestions from my random visitors?

Indoctrination -–A Handy Reference

1. You were born in sin.

2. You must live in perpetual guilt.

3. Love your parents. Feel dizzy with gratitude that they brought you into the world.

4. Your life is not yours for the taking. If it sucks, tough luck. Suck it up.

5. There is a higher power who watches over you. He is called God. His name is ___ *insert Yahweh/Vishnu/Allah/Flying Spaghetti Monster/Eris as applicable*

6. You cannot see him because he lives in Heaven. You don’t need to see him to know he lives there; you just need to think he does.

7. Be meek. The more bovine you are the more your chances of getting a ticket to Heaven.

8. Heaven is up above and Hell is down below

9. People who live up North are better

10. Listen to parents and teachers

11. Don’t talk back

12. Respect mankind (womankind optional)

13. Women must bear children.

14. Women must also devote their life to raising children

15. Don’t touch yourself there. It’s a disgusting part of your body.

16. Pleasure is sin

17. Sex? I don’t know what you are talking about

18. Men can pee standing up. So they are better

19. Men do not have wombs. So they don’t have to worry about getting knocked up. So they can walk alone in the night. So they are better

20. Women are meant to have wombs so they can reproduce. That’s the primary responsibility of a woman

21. Family is everything

22. Marry.

23. The cool ones marry only for love.

24. Stay married. Love is not a requisite

25. Make children as soon as you get married or when the marriage is about to fall apart, so you will stay married for their sake

26. A woman feels fulfilled when she is pregnant. And no, it’s not a gastric feeling of fullness.

27. If you don’t have children, your life is empty

28. Fuck for pleasure? You might as well fuck for money.

29. Whores are bad.

30. Men are tempted easily. Women’s bodies ought to be fully covered so as not to arouse unholy passions

31. All fleshly passions are unholy

32. Love your country

33. Kill for your country

34. Patriotism is a virtue. It’s like religion. Do not question.

35. Kill the enemy. Only the bravest of the brave can do that

36. Homosexuals are deviant

37. So are transvestites

38. Depending on your nationality and religious beliefs, animal excreta becomes sacred. So does an erect penis.

39. No, dildos can’t be worshipped.

40. Indulge a woman but not to the point where she gets the better of a man

41. If she does, blame it on PMS and suggest she is confused and that her thinking is muddled

42. Screw around, have fun. Just make sure you choose the right religion which either condones screwing around or which purges all sins through confession

43. People who use big words are more intelligent. They are better.

44. 36-24-36

45. Size zero

46. Size does matter

47. Give it to the sluts asking for it. They should know better than to provoke.

48. A husband is the most prized possession of a wife

49. A son is the most prized possession of a man

50. Be grateful for your life.

and so on and so forth…

Catione

Yesterday, I dreamt of this word ‘catione’. It doesn’t make sense to me, but a voice whispered it over and over and over again. It said, Kat-e-own. I tried reasoning with it that such a word does not exist. But as voices in dreams are, this one too possessed no body to call its own and therefore, presumably, no ears to listen. It was just a thin whisper that formed in my head in irritatingly short intervals.

I concluded, while still asleep, that it meant ‘Caution’, I am warning myself of some impending danger. Fascinating stuff I tell you. I can sense Freud turning over in his grave.

But then thefreedictionary.com gives me a rather insipid explanation (though the pronunciations do not match). Catione is merely ‘cation’ in French and other languages. A positively charged ion characteristically moving towards the negative electrode.

My plot for a box office hit turns out to be a really boring documentary. Sheesh!

Afraid

Afraid of what the future holds, I train myself to shed no tears. I have been training myself for quite some time now, I never thought I would succeed, but I’m afraid I have. Now I find that future tears have solidified and rain as hail into my present, and in future I forever shall be stuck in the past where it rains sharp pellets of frozen tears.

Afraid of letting go of the tenuous hold on sanity afraid to mourn to grieve a future loss that I know for sure will happen, afraid of losing you, I wander, I have nowhere to go, I wander scared and lonely and I start at the slightest sound, the smallest irritant draws ferociousness out of me, my temper is a red hot molten flower which vaporises anything in its vicinity.

I look in the mirror and draw out hatred for the tired sallowness of my skin, the stretch marks on my thighs and I shift the blame onto them, I must believe it is because of them that I cannot have you.

My sadness is a pot of raging fire that I carry in my heart, sealed in its secret chambers, I’m afraid to take it outside, if I do the heat will consume my entire universe and several lives will perish.

The water I drink is blood, I have been darkened by darkness, my sky is filled with locusts of torn memories and the fear of your power over my soul and the hate I have for the wailing anguish in my heart.

There is fire in my bones, I am desolate, I have no strength, I faint as I walk. I weep in the night, I have sinned, I have loved you with my mind, body and spirit, you possess all three, my skin is tattooed with your love your lust your touch, I shall sin again, for My Lord, you are my one true love.

My hands hurt maul helpless innocence, my hands have a life of their own, they are the hands of the devil I have locked up inside. Claw at my breastbone and let it free let me cry let me mourn let me grieve and move on.